What are your thoughts on partners continuing to follow ex-lovers on social media?
Let’s transcend the digital realm for a moment and consider the crux of this pain point, which reveals a conundrum that reaches far beyond our phones. There is a psychic threat to one’s emotional safety in a relationship when a partner still maintains connections, in some way, to past lovers. The truth is that there’s no black-and-white answer to this dilemma. Because, to put it bluntly, some people cannot be trusted to follow (or be connected to) their exes, because they have not yet emotionally processed the course and end of that relationship, and/or because they have not done the work to cultivate the healthy emotional, mental and social boundaries that are conducive to a new partnership.
Some people have, though, and thus can actually be friends — chosen family, pet co-parents, whatever — with their exes. Some relationships do redemptively transform for the better and evolve into a much more nourishing and aligned version of however they existed before. When that happens, it’s beautiful. But this is not always the case. The plot thickens when considering non-monogamous, polyamorous and/or queer relationships — the boundaries here may be different. Every relationship, and every personal history that a partner brings into that relationship, is unique. So the question becomes: Who are you dating, and what are their true intentions with you and in staying connected to their ex(es)? That’s up to you to find out.
The way to do this is by cultivating discernment through patient observation. Time is on your side — any pressure to rush, especially in a relationship, is usually a sign to slow down. Examine their behavior. Try calming your nervous system by treating this process like an opportunity to discover more about how to meet your own needs first. (Because dating, after all, is a practice, not a destination — it’s an opportunity to learn by gathering information about what you really need to feel safe.) How does your lover talk about their exes — with wistful yearning, or are they matter-of-fact when opening up about how they’ve grown through relationships? What’s their energy like when you run into their ex — do they clearly introduce you and involve you in the conversation? Do they handle it in a way that makes you feel secure and prioritized? Do they hide their phone, always place it screen side down, always take it with them to the bathroom?
Everyone has a different relationship to technology and social media, and their reasons for their behavior can vary. Observation is so powerful because, even if you’ve been with someone for years and years, you’re still getting to know them. Every day spent with them presents many chances to learn more about them. Building a solid emotional foundation in yourself and understanding that you are your ultimate safe space can help you remain calm and give you the courage and the peace to ask honest and thoughtful questions of your partner. This can help you build emotional intimacy together and find a path along which you both feel seen and heard.
So, if your beloved has an ex in their life, approach it mindfully. Remind yourself that you can’t control others, but you can find safety within yourself. Then, try your best to suspend judgment of your love’s situation. Get curious about it. Ask them to talk about what is meaningful to them about that connection still (of course, with boundaries — you can ask them to spare the sultry details, if that would be painful for you to hear). And then listen, connecting with the emotional energy of your love. Them being able to open up to you about something sensitive yet important to their story will only bring the two of you closer and cultivate a sense of security and understanding in your love, too. If they get defensive, elusive or both — make a note of it. Don’t get reactive in the moment, which will only escalate the situation and emphasize a feeling of rupture. But do assemble your notes, spend some time in thought and meditation, and plan your next move — and figure out what you need to feel truly loved — from that process.
Goth Shakira is an Aquarian Queen of Pentacles divining and loving in Los Angeles. Send your questions to our resident love expert here.
This story originally appeared on LA Times
