Are you truly infatuated with your co-worker, or do you just see them 40 hours a week?

Does having an affair with a married co-worker (who is in a loveless marriage, and whose wife is having an affair too, but they’re staying together for their child) make me, morally, a bad person?

That depends on what you believe a “bad” person to be. If your married co-worker and their spouse have both communicated and acknowledged the refined terms of their relationship to each other — that their romantic relationship is over, and that they are both free to pursue connections outside of their marriage while continuing their domestic partnership and performing whatever outer auspices of their relationship to ensure their child has a stable home until they come of age — then your co-worker and their spouse are essentially in an open relationship that prioritizes co-parenting. But the nature of this agreement, and the consequences of actions stemming from it, all depends on whether this agreement is mutually consensual and clear.

The word “morally” carries a weight with different subjective meanings. Generally it refers to undertaking an action in accordance with certain principles or values decided by an individual. So in that sense, what is “moral” in this situation can take on a variety of forms, depending on which definition of what is “right” is prioritized in your own mind.

Oftentimes we decide what is “wrong” for us based on how a certain idea or action makes us feel. That feeling can present in many ways — rumination, a knot in your throat or your chest, an unease in your stomach, the tensing of muscles. The fact that you’re asking this question tells me that something about this situation is likely making you feel a certain way. I invite you to explore what shape that feeling takes, not just in your mind, but in your body.

Instead of obsessively over-rationalizing or avoiding, try making friends with that feeling. If it’s uncomfortable or unsustainable to live with continuously, ask your body why — and how it can help you make decisions that are the kindest possible to your nervous system.

I would encourage you to get more clarity from your co-worker on the terms of their marriage, and exactly how open and honest they and their wife have been with each other. Have they both acknowledged to each other that they are seeing other people? If so, does their agreement have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” clause, or is your co-worker being asked to give details on the who, when, or how?

If one party isn’t as aware of what’s going on as the other party, this isn’t an objectively “right” or “wrong” vignette, per se. But it does mean that your new partner may come with some baggage, and perhaps with some growth opportunities in the area of communication. Ethical open relationships (ethical meaning different from morality, meaning more about a general societal consensus around what’s most evolved versus an individual’s codes for behavior) take a lot of maturity, humility, honesty and willingness to constantly grow. Taking on a partner in an open marriage, especially if a child and mutual source of income are involved, will likely present a certain requirement of effort for your heart and mind. And I would contend that even if you’ve already set a mental boundary that this relationship will be short-term or temporary, or purely sexual, chances are you’ll still have to undertake a degree of risk tolerance and emotional navigation through it, given the unique circumstances of the situation. Are you comfortable taking that on? Only you can answer this question for yourself.

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The most important question here becomes: Is this a situation that is sustainable for you? Are you comfortable with the degree of honesty present among all three people involved in this (four, counting the child)? If there’s something that bothers you about it, what is it exactly that leaves you unsettled? Sitting with these questions will lead you to the best course of action for you, because you are the only person who has to live with you at the end of the day.

And if you were my friend, what I would say to you is this — are you truly infatuated with your co-worker, or do you just see them 40 hours a week? Consistency and proximity, especially in the professional context of teamwork, collaboration and problem-solving, can make a work connection feel like it has more potential for romantic intimacy, depth and longevity than it actually does. Dating your co-worker can be hard (there’s no workplace escape from your personal life if you get into a fight, and one or both of you can find your material stability threatened if the romantic relationship sours). Dating someone with a child can be hard. Dating someone in an open marriage can be hard. In your mind, body and heart, is your connection with this person worth what it comes with? Considering all angles of the situation through the lens of your own well-being first and foremost will give you all the answers you need.