When is the best time in a relationship’s life cycle to start talking about money? Maybe when you move in together? While you’re booking a romantic week-long getaway? The first time you file a joint tax return?
Dating and relationship coach Damona Hoffman says you might as well cut to the chase.
“It can start with who pays for the first date,” she said. That once-awkward moment when the waiter drops the check can be a great time to start an ongoing conversation about spending, saving and splitting the bill that will only get more important as the relationship progresses, she said.
For many of us, sharing openly about our finances — or asking about someone else’s — can still feel a little bit taboo, especially when you stir in the awkwardness and self-consciousness that can accompany dating and romance.
It also doesn’t come naturally to many couples: More than two in five U.S. adults who are married or living with a romantic partner have kept or are keeping a financial secret from their significant other, according to a recent survey by Bankrate.
But if you’re looking for a serious partner, dating and personal-finance experts told MarketWatch, you need to start talking openly about money — maybe earlier on than you’d expect.
“I think the sooner the better,” said Lindsay Bryan-Podvin, a financial therapist and behavioral-finance expert at Bread Financial, a financial-services company.
Here’s what those experts advised about when and how much you and your romantic partner should learn about each other’s finances as a relationship progresses from the talking stage to tying the knot.
Do you need to know your partner’s salary?
Do you need to know how much your significant other gets paid?
The topic can be a fraught one. A recent video on TikTok that appeared to show a husband refusing to tell his wife exactly how much money he makes struck a chord, garnering more than 2.6 million views. Commenters came down on either side of the debate: “Never tell a woman how much money you make,” one user wrote. Another commented: “She’s your WIFE! The question is why DOESN’T she know already?”
The video’s creators didn’t respond to a request for comment from MarketWatch.
Experts were also split on the necessity of disclosing your salary.
“I don’t think you need to know it early on. It’s actually not a figure that tells you a lot,” Hoffman said. “Someone could make $300,000 a year and spend it all.”
Bryan-Podvin, meanwhile, said she’s in favor of sharing how much you get paid.
“I’ve worked with couples who’ve been together 10 or 15 years who don’t know how much their partner makes,” she said. “The longer you hide those things, the harder it feels to bring it up.”
There’s no need to request a credit report from someone you’re dating casually. If the relationship isn’t serious, experts said, it’s typically OK to keep the money talk light.
But if you’re starting to see a real future with your current date, then financial discussions become a necessity — and a crucial part of the foundation of a mature, long-lasting partnership, Bryan-Podvin said.
“It goes from your relationship being this poetic pipe dream to something more serious,” she said. “And that is really powerful.”
As wonderful as all those warm and fuzzies may be, the money conversation has practical implications as well, added Adam Kol, CEO of the Couples Financial Coach.
“It’s a big deal,” he said. “Love doesn’t pay the rent.”
Why couples need to talk about money
Every healthy couple will eventually end up having to talk about their finances, Kol said.
“You can’t really outrun it,” he said. “You can avoid it, but over time that’s kind of unsustainable and it starts to affect the trust and sense of partnership.”
That’s because money matters end up encompassing much more than just the number on your paycheck or who’s footing the dinner bill, he said.
“There is a reason that money is considered a top relationship stressor and a top cause of divorce,” he said. “It really touches on everything: your career, where you live, how many kids you may have, how you’re going to raise them, even the quality of the food you eat or the hobbies you have.”
He acknowledged that financial conversations can oftentimes be tricky — but talking about money doesn’t always have to mean swapping bank statements.
Hoffman said that asking open-ended questions, like where your date sees themself in five or 10 years, can offer important clues as to whether your financial values are aligned.
“You can gather a lot more information that way,” she said.
Broaching other topics — like your family or upbringing — can also start to shed light on the way that you and your partner think about money without jumping straight to hard numbers, Kol said.
“Talking about your personal history and experiences with money and how that affected you is a good way to start,” he said. “The most important thing you can do is create a sense of trust and safety around talking about money.”
3 things you should know about your partner’s finances
Here are three things experts recommend you discuss with your significant other if you’re looking to build a healthy foundation when it comes to talking about money.
No. 1: Their goals
Your partner’s financial goals can tell you a lot about how much your visions for the future align, Hoffman said.
“I’m a big fan of talking about goals and values,” she added. “Financial conversations are a really good shortcut for a lot of that.”
The same way you might want to discuss other long-term visions for your life — such as whether you want to get married or have children — talking about financial goals can give you a much clearer sense of whether you and your significant other are on the same page, Bryan-Podvin said.
No. 2: Their spending habits
Spending habits can similarly hint at your partner’s values, Hoffman said, but they also have practical implications: What happens if your significant other wants to take a lavish vacation that you can’t afford?
“You don’t have to be married to be commingling your finances,” she said. “If you’re living together or going on vacation together, it’s important to get a sense of their spending.”
When talking about spending, it can also be important to gain a sense of your partner’s financial obligations, Kol said. Are they still on their parents’ phone bill? Are they financially supporting other family members?
“You should ask questions, but you want to make sure you’re really getting the whole picture,” he said.
No. 3: Their debts
This one becomes crucial in more serious relationships, Bryan-Podvin said. If you get married, debt that your partner incurs might become your own, depending on your state’s laws.
“If having debt is a dealbreaker, you need to vocalize that,” she said.
That being said, she wouldn’t rule someone out solely on the basis of their debts, especially if your goals are aligned.
“Our relationship with money is malleable,” she said.
How do you and your partner discuss money? Let us know at readerstories@marketwatch.com. One of our reporters might reach out to you to learn more.
This story originally appeared on Marketwatch
